I have gone through many emotions since the Tauranga Half Ironman - ranging from giving up immediately through to yes, I can do Ironman.

The easy option would be to give up and I would be very disappointed with myself if I did that - if not now, later on. It's not in my blood to give up - so why start now.

So, after meeting with my coach to discuss what went wrong, and where to from now, I am back in a positive frame of mind. I have to learn to relax in the sea/lake and not let my emotions take over - easier said than done! So, more sea swimming on the agenda for me - damn!

Last Thursday was my first sea swim since Tauranga, which was with our group at 6.30pm at Takapuna Beach. During the afternoon, my anxiety returned and I began to fear it. By 5.30pm I started to feel sick, but got myself down there.

My swim coach, Liz was there, and I told her how I was feeling. She didn't say anything and we got into the water, letting the boys head off first, and disappear in the distance. We got to white buoy, then the next yellow buoy. Let's go to the next yellow buoy, Liz said - so off we went - all going well - phew! Once we got there, Liz said let's go a few strokes further (the furtherest out I have been along the buoys). Well, head down and off again, and I managed to be the most relaxed I have been to date, and when I stopped, Liz grinned - we were nearly at the next yellow buoy - so off we headed to it ... Yay - 4th buoy at Takapuna - wow!

We waited for the boys to return, as they had gone a little further out, and Tony my coach was very pleased and surprised to see me there. Looking back at the boat ramp, I realised how far we had gone, but it didn't seem like it.

Back we headed, and all in all, it was pretty good - a good confidence booster which I needed. The total distance was 2km.

Luckily the water was relatively flat and Tony thought that we had managed to get it on the turn of the tide, with a slight tail assistance in both directions! Now, that was great luck, wasn't it??!!

So, feeling a lot better about the sea again, I was feeling ok about the next swim on Saturday at Takapuna with the group. Well, that was until Saturday morning, when I got into the water. It was very choppy and there were waves breaking - oh great - there is a problem.

Now, by now you know that I have a fear of the sea. One of the big things is the moving water - waves and chop are a nightmare for me. Let's just say that Saturday's swim was awful and ended up with me giving up and heading out early. Doing beach starts through the crashing waves was very scary for me, and I just lost it. No amount of coaxing from Liz, or Tony helped - I was petrified. It seems I go 1 step forward and 2 back. Needless to say the confidence level plummeted again.

However, not giving in totally - I continued on with the rest of the session - bike + run/drills. The heat was starting to really build by the time we headed out for a run - this Summer is sure a hot one.

Tonight I have to enter the Beach Series swim at Takapuna Beach, which is a 1km swim. Yesterday it was choppy there due to NE winds but it looking good for calmer waters tonight (fingers crossed!). I have my nephew Troy who is going to buddy me to help me keep calm, and feel reassured during the swim. Troy's friend Ross Anderson competes in these, and usually does it in around 10-12 minutes - how, I don't know - maybe because he was an ex Olympic + Commonwealth swimmer for NZ! It is sure going to take me a LOT longer ....

I will keep you updated ....